Jokes Quotes & Anecdotes

Jokes

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were standing looking at a prize cow in a field.
The Englishman says "Look at that fine English cow."
The Irishman disagreed, saying "No, it's an Irish cow."
The Scotsman thought for a moment and then clinched the argument.
"No, it's a Scottish cow - it's got bagpipes underneath!"

What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are $1.50 and deer nuts are under a buck.

I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell.

Garry Shandling

Scottish-Americans tell you that if you want to identify tartans, it's easy - you simply look under the kilt, and if it's a quarter-pounder, you know it's a McDonald's.

Billy Connolly

Irish Jokes

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda."
There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned." "Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."

And then there was the Irish baker how sued the local baker for forging his signature on a hot cross bun.

“Sean”, said Mick, “did you know we only use one third of our brains?” “No,” said Sean. “What happens to the other third?”

“Paddy, Oi missed the soccer. What was the score?” “Shure ‘twas a great game they played Mick,” said Paddy. “The score was nil all.” “And what was it at half time?” “Oi don’t know Mick. Oi was only there for the second half.”

Flanigan: ‘My mother-in-law has just eloped with my best friend.’
Lanigan: ;What was his name?’
Flanigan: ;I don’t know. I’ve never met the fellow.’

Paddy: “Did yez mark the place where the fishing was good?”
Mick: “Yes, Oi put an ‘x’ on the side of the boat.”
Paddy: “Shure! What if we should take the wrong boat next time?”

A guy walks into a bar, orders a beer and says to the bartender, "Hey, I got this great Irish Joke...". The barkeep glares at him and says in a warning tone of voice: "Before you go telling that joke you better know that I'm Irish, both bouncers are Irish and so are most of my customers"
"Okay" says the customer,"I'll tell it very slowly."

Quotes

Whether you believe you can, or believe you can't, you're absolutely right.

Henry Ford

The secret of success is to do the common things uncommonly well.

John D Rockefeller Jr

Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising every time we fall.

Confucius

The best way to sell is to make it easy to buy.

Anecdotes

Ten Modern Queensland Commandments.

  • 1.Thou shalt not follow non Queensland sports teams.
  • 2. Thou shalt not idolise others[exept model Kristy Hinze.]
  • 3. Thou shalt not shower for more than 4 minutes.
  • 5.Honour thy breaches.
  • 6.Thou shalt kill cane toads, but not with thy spade, nor thy 3 wood.
  • 7.Thou shalt not enter into the sun without a hat or sunscreen.
  • 8. Thou shalt not steal mangoes from thy neighbours tree.
  • 9.Thou shalt not deny your interstate visitos a day at a theme park.
  • 10.Thou shalt not covet the size of thy neighbours water tank.

    • Is this seat taken for all you footy fans

    "Is this seat taken."
    A man had great tickets for the Grand Final. As he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. "No", he says. "The seat is empty".
    "This is incredible!" said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Grand Final, the biggest sporting event in Sydney, and not use it?" He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Grand Final we haven't been to together since we got married." "Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?"
    The man shakes his head. "No. They're all at the funeral."